To my friends without a mother on Mothers Day

I see you.

I see every day the messages that we receive as a culture to love our mothers unconditionally. To return the gift of life that they gave us with unending affection and unquestioning adoration.

I see how you tried to fit into that mold. How you fought every day to make excuses for her. To yourself. To the people around you. Because she’s your mom. And she’s supposed to love you, right? And take care of you. And she’s really not that bad. Not always. Not all the time.

I see how you spent all that time trying to be the perfect kid. Because being the perfect kid would change her. Because so much of what was going on had to be your fault.

I see you now, cringing whenever someone brings up their plans with their mom. Leaving the room when time comes to talk of Mother’s day.

I see you trying to explain to people why she is no longer in your life. Trying to articulate how hard it was to put up with her for years. To make excuses. To work on yourself and find yourself backsliding because of her constant negative presence.

I see you fielding the protests on your mothers behalf from people who don’t know her. Who don’t even know you that well. Telling you that she can’t be “that bad.” That you owe her your life. That you should give her something in return for this gift she gave you. In return for your life.

I see you thinking about all the things you gave her. All the chances and the benefits of the doubt. Every little chip she took of your sanity. Of your self worth.

I see you. And I want you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for making the choice to remove a toxic relationship from your life no matter how hard it was. I’m proud of you for continuing to make the decision to keep her out when she calls you on the phone or sends you emails. When she tries to fight her way back across the bridge that you burned.

I see you. I see how hard this day is for you. And I’m proud of you for standing on your two feet without her. I cannot imagine the strength it took to get you through making that decision.

You are so brave.

I see you.

And you are okay.

mothers-day

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15 thoughts on “To my friends without a mother on Mothers Day

  1. Thank you for letting me realise many things which I can do before it’s too late. I am going back home after two and half years. Thank you very much. 🙂

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  2. Thanks for this. It resonates on such a deep, painful level. Holidays are tough being estranged from ‘family’. Mother’s day is one of the worst days. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

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  3. I can’t thank you enough for this, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I ran away from my toxic mom almost six years ago and I fight the pressure from others to let her back in. Thank you for the strength to keep her out of the new life I’ve built without her. ❤

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  4. Oh gosh, now I’m sobbing like a baby. Cutting my mom out of my life was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I knew that if I ever wanted to have a positive and healthy mental state I just couldn’t continue to allow her to be in my life. It’s hard because most people just don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want their mom around. I get the “everyone makes mistakes” or “forgive and forget” comments all the time but sometimes it just doesn’t work like that. Reading this was so validating. This is seriously my life.
    I’m getting married this summer and I gave in to pressures to invite her, my sister and my step dad(all people I purposefully cut out when I cut her out). It’s been two weeks since I called her and I’m already dealing with the same old behaviors. Nothing at all has changed and now I have these toxic relationships in my life again… Just thinking about how she thinks she can call me whenever again and that everything she’s done to me is okay just makes me physically ill. I can’t wait for this wedding to be over so I can go right back to not talking to her.

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    • I am so, so sorry that you are going through that. And that your mother’s toxicity is going to be part of a day that should be so full of joy for you.

      I hope that you can go back to living a life free from your mother’s influence. And that your wedding day is special and joyful despite her.

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